NORAD SCRAMBLES U.S. DEFENSES TO BLOCK REVERSE-ATTACK LAUNCHED BY PRESIDENT TRUMP FROM HELSINKI

Foolishly aimed to intercept incoming Russian nuclear warheads, U.S. defense systems scrambled today to block aggressive surrender efforts by President Trump in Helsinki. “We’ve spent all this time and money to head off incoming Russian missiles,” said General Hardtack, Chairman of NORAD. “We’re struggling now to defend against a president inexplicably determined to hand our government processes over to Russia.” Responded President Trump’s spokesperson Sarah Huckabee-Sanders, “Why won’t NORAD turn over the server?” She later clarified that she was referring to a Pentagon cafeteria waiter who had failed to bring her an extra-large serving of french fries she had ordered at lunch.