Maybe Trump Can Finally Get Us Some Cool Hats

In a holiday season overcast by the oncoming dark clouds of a Trump presidency, some Americans see a brief clearing. "Maybe this asshole can finally get us some cool hats," says 16-year old Billy Eastpoole from Brooklyn, NY. "Fascists have always had the coolest hats." Historians confirm this widely held belief. "Yes," observed Cyrus VanDerwick, a professor of political science from Yale University and author of "High Hats: A Haberdasher's View of Hateful History." "Observers have long acknowledged that the more racist and brutal a regime is, the bigger and more fabulous its hats become." In a widely anticipated move, Trump transition officials have contacted Olympic skater Johnny Weir to design alternative hats for the traveling security entourage for the President-elect and his family. Reached for comment, Weir responded, "I'm thinking of something big, red, and outrageous! Let his hair be a sign unto us!" ASJ