Members of Congress Exempted from Effects of “Abstention Only” Programs for Teens
As it often does, Congress exempted its members from the effects of recent legislation—this time, from the current revival of “abstention only” sex education programs for teens. “When I heard that teenagers were being told to abstain, I thought, ‘Whoa!’” said Congressman William Kreiper (R-Arizona). “This heavy-handed program would make it darn near impossible for me to stay in close touch with teen constituents and campaign at shopping malls in my district after dark.” As amended, legislation will fund programs teaching teens to abstain from sex with persons “unless said persons are serving in Congress.”
Woodpecker Attacks Pence!
Apparently in search of grubs and other wood-boring insects, a woodpecker yesterday attacked Vice-President Mike Pence. “The bird apparently believed the Vice-President was a tree, probably a resinous softwood,” said Finley Peabody of the Cornell Lab of Ornithology. The bird was captured by the Secret Service and is being held for questioning. Following treatment for a previously undiagnosed infestation of pine beetles, Vice-President Pence is said to be resting comfortably.
This afternoon, President Donald Trump signed legislation authorizing sexual misconduct by male federal elected and appointed officials. “Sometimes, we need to show them our Johnson,” joked the President, referring to Congressman Stan Johnson (R, Wisconsin, 8th District), who attended the public bill signing. Although all female House and Senate members had voted “nay,” their votes were recorded as “aye.” “We believed we were pursuing shared feelings,” chuckled Senator Joe “The Ripper” McLain (R, N. Dakota), presiding from the Senate dais. At the request of Interior Secretary Zinke, a last-minute amendment permitting horse-groping was inserted. “I didn’t hear a neigh on that one,” chortled Congressman Hoss Weston (D, Montana, 17th District).
Senate candidate and adjunct professor of biblical verse and sexual repression at the University of 1st Timothy 2:12, Roy Moore has a plan for his future if he loses his Senate race against democrat Doug Jones next week.
An aide to Roy Moore sent out a statement saying,
"Judge Moore has always supported the arts....especially dramas.
Judge Moore has an affinity for fairy tales, especially "The Emperor's New Clothes." Judge Moore adapted that fairy tale many years ago for middle school girls and now he wants to present his new play to high schoolers."
Another aide justified the play but stating the obvious irony, "Well, the fairy tale is about peer pressure and how true friends should tell their leaders the truth about their friends no matter how much that truth hurts, even if it means losing our jobs."
When the reporter responded by asking the aide, "You do know the Emperor is naked to the villagers and that you shouldn't be exposing yourself to children, especially if you are a true Christian. Are you going to tell him that?"
The aide responded by saying, " Hell no. Down here in bammie we love em young."
For those interested in seeing this production Roy Moore will be having auditions behind the local Kmart in Gadsden Alabama at 7 p.m. right behind the dumpster. Please get your mother's permission before going back there.
Update 2: Pepe LePew in hot water?
In a formal statement, Pepe LePew released a message to his fans via his website (www.pewpewLePep.com):
It pains me to know I have caused Ms Pussycat so much pain. After much self-reflection, I must be accountable for my actions. It is true that I did pursue Ms. Pussycat quite aggressively, that was my job. However, I was responsible to call out and stand up for bad behavior and I failed to do that. I also feel it is appropriate to share a very personal detail about my life. My sexuality has often been the subject of speculation, having a reputation as a womanizer, but privately having relationships with men. I have decided that while I have had relationships with men, women, cats and squirrels, I am coming out officially as a gay skunk. I want to thank you for all your support.
Warner Brothers and Ms. Pussycat could not be reached for comment.
However, Kevin Spacey wrote on twitter: #happy So happy for my good friend Pepe! We met when you were just 14 and look at you now!#inspiring
Further Updates coming as the story develops.