A spokesperson for Lipton says that bad acting is causing the brand to suffer. ASJ
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Santa will be adding a fourth "Ho" to his iconic slogan. When asked why, the big guy simply replied, "YOLO!" ASJ
Prince has officially been tapped to lead the rapture. Sources close to Jesus said that he no longer felt right for the part. "No one moves a crowd like Prince!", Jesus said. Prince has yet to comment. ASJ
 "Destiny" Hoffstetter quit her job at the Magic Kitty Gentleman's club in Jacksonville, FL citing an epiphany as the reason. "While I was on my knees, looking at Ms. Tubman, I asked myself, is this what she died for?", Hoffstetter said. Hoffstetter's strip mate "Diamond" said that she had never seen anyone leave money on the floor like that. Hoffstetter claims she will now seek a career in meteorology. ASJ
 The Grim Reaper sat down with our own Jason Collins to discuss his finest year at the plate since the opening day season of 1347, otherwise known as: The opening day game of Black Plague years.
With all the celebrities he has taken away, from Prince to David Bowie, to Alan Rickman and Zsa Zsa,the Grim Reaper is most proud of his batting average in the month of November ,where he, with the help of his fellow sickle welding friends from Russia, effectively killed our American Democracy with the election of Trump. ASJ  Former Jaguar's coach Gus Bradley was let go after the Jaguar's loss to the texans this past sunday. However Gus still thinks he's head coach and has continued to show up to team practices and coaching players. He reportedly picked the locks to the stadium. When police questioned him on the matter he responded "Nothings wrong here officer. Just Guys being Dudes". ASJ
 Jimmy Fallon is set to take on the role of Adolf Hitler in the upcoming biopic, It's not me, It's Jew. "We really feel that now is the time to make this film, this will be the biopic the world never knew it needed" said director Mel Gibson. It's not me, It's Jew is set to highlight Adolf's artistic career, his rejection from art school, his love for making speeches, and is rumored to go all the way up to the first world war when one of his testicles was shot off. Early reviews have rated it Nien out of Nein stars. ASJ
 Few know it, but America’s favorite international prankster, Vladimir Putin, went to grade school in Ft. Lauderdale, where he and ASJ member T.R. Hainline were best buddies. “I have known Poot for 50 years,” says T.R. “You think he’s mischievous now? You should have seen him in 4th grade!” Recently, T.R. was talking to his mother on the phone, and in the middle of the call Poot cut in (toying around with some monitoring gadgetry refined by Russia’s Federal Security Service) and, doing his best Boris Badenov imitation said in a low voice and heavy accent, “You better visit your mother, or you’ll be headed to a gulag in Siberia!” T.R.’s mother laughed and said, “Is that Pooty? We miss your old high jinx!” There was some reminiscing, and then Poot said, “Let me spend Christmas with all of you!” And, in an instant, the Hainlines’ computers, cell phones, land line, and TV were commandeered by the Russian Federal Security Service. “Poooooooty!!!!” laughed T.R. and his mother. T.R. then received a call and was appointed head of the National Security Agency in Washington, D.C. ASJ
 Ms. Murphys 3rd grade science class walked around school offering pieces of ham to every students and faculty member. They then asked each person to fill out a survey which included questions such as:"Did you like the ham?"; "What's your favorite color?" and "Are you Jewish?" After all the results were tallied it was determined that most students who ate the ham were either not Jewish or didn't know what Jewish meant. ASJ
 Dr. Henry Heimlich, known world wide as the creator of the Heimlich maneuver, passed away on December 16. When asked for response, many members of the medical community were too choked up to comment. One doctor finally was able to swallow their tears and say, "When I first heard the news, I had a huge lump in my throat, but after receiving a tight hug from a colleague, I felt I was able to spit out a response. Rest in bite sized pieces, Dr. Heimlich." ASJ
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