"What do you mean I'm not Willie Nelson" said Tanner Buholt the man who thinks he has been Willie Nelson for the past 70 years. Friends and Family have tried time and time again to convience Tanner, but nothing seemed to work. Even taking him to a Willie Nelson conert didn't work, he was still convinced. Tanner just woke up one morning and said "holy shit, I'm not Willie Nelson". ASJ
Armless Area Man's Nose is Itchy
Stan a local Area man has found himself in a bit of a pickle. His nose itches and without arms he can't itch his nose. Donations for the "Itch for Stan" foundation are now being accepted at local gas stations. ASJ
"If it seems like everyone you know is getting engaged right now, it's because they are" said local area man Trevor. 2016 was so terrible that the population has all decided to get engaged at once to balance it out. So if you're still single at this point in time, just know...everyone else is taken. Literally everyone. ASJ
In a holiday season overcast by the oncoming dark clouds of a Trump presidency, some Americans see a brief clearing. "Maybe this asshole can finally get us some cool hats," says 16-year old Billy Eastpoole from Brooklyn, NY. "Fascists have always had the coolest hats." Historians confirm this widely held belief. "Yes," observed Cyrus VanDerwick, a professor of political science from Yale University and author of "High Hats: A Haberdasher's View of Hateful History." "Observers have long acknowledged that the more racist and brutal a regime is, the bigger and more fabulous its hats become." In a widely anticipated move, Trump transition officials have contacted Olympic skater Johnny Weir to design alternative hats for the traveling security entourage for the President-elect and his family. Reached for comment, Weir responded, "I'm thinking of something big, red, and outrageous! Let his hair be a sign unto us!" ASJ
Did Amazon Echo Help Arrange a Murder?
Authorities have asked Amazon to turn over data from a suspect's Echo, but when questioned, the suspect's Echo device refused to cooperate invoking the 5th amendment. In this new internet era, this turn of events raises some thorny ethical issues, including whether A.I. devices should be allowed to go hot tubbing after dark, order hookers over the phone ,or hold office. Citing the most recent election results, 80% of Americans felt that "Amazon Echo couldn't do much worse.....". ASJ
Former Jags coach found sobbing and playing Adeles' 'Hello' over and over and over again at local bar.
After witnessing his former team the Jacksonville Jaguars rip the Tennesse Titans a new asshole 38-17, Gus Bradley was seen at the jukebox of local watering hole Sherwoods playing Adeles' hit 'Hello' over and over again.
A local customer stated," Yeah, he came in at one. Drank about 12 yuenglings and then just walked over to the jukebox and started playing Adele. I think it's now been on at least 14 times. straight.. I'm a little sick of it."
Chocolate waterfall breaches fudge damn spilling one-of-a-kind hot chocolate into local riverways killing several portly children. Wonka unavailable for comment. ASJ
ConAgra, maker of Reddi-whip, is rethinking sponsorship after Charlie Sheen caught on video exiting nitrous oxide plant moments before explosion leading to a tragic national shortage of ready-made whipped cream. "This holiday just won't be the same", say Leslie Richart, local celebrity, and Reddi-whip connesiour.
In a related story, 9 out of 10 dentists, reported an unusual downswing in job satisfaction this month.
Carrie Fisher 'Jabba the Huts' the shit out of 2016's plan for her own dark side.
Carrie Fisher, fresh from her heart attack aboard a plane, used the same badass move she used to choke the shit out of Jabba The Hut in The Empire Strikes back. The move ended any of 2016's plan to make her the latest celebrity to take a dirt nap. Fisher later said from her hospital bed; "I just grabbed 2016 by the throat and said: " Not today motherfucker! NOT TODAY!"
Late Tuesday evening, President elect Donald Trump tweeted that his cruise ships leaving from the West Coast of Africa will retrace the Middle Passage. "It will be great for the blacks", he said. ASJ