​Hey kids! Guess which one of these pictures is President Trump's pick for the new chief scientist at the U.S. Department of Agriculture! Hint: He's not a scientist; he's a conservative talk show host! His most famous quote is about climate change: "I have looked at the science, and I have enough of a science background to know when I'm being boofed." (Hey kids, "boofed" isn't a science word and is really kind of a nasty word, so don't use it!) If you guessed the picture in the upper right corner, you're right!!!

​At a press conference early this morning, Florida Governor Rick Scott and Jacksonville Mayor Lenny Curry held a rare joint press conference to declare a state of emergency around EverBank Field in Jacksonville in response to fears surrounding the impending Jaguar’s 2017 season.

“Let me be clear, this is nothing like residents of Jacksonville have ever seen before.” Governor Scott declared in a somber tone. “I encourage you, please, get out of the stadium. There is no other option at this point.”

“If you decide to stay, (Jaguar’s General Manager) Tom Coughlin will not come to rescue you.” Mayor Curry warned. “All personnel within two miles of EverBank Field are hereby under mandatory evacuation.”

In the area near the impact zone, an ominous mood abounded. The Jacksonville Sports Tavern, Veteran’s Memorial Arena, and the Baseball Grounds of Jacksonville were all entirely closed, windows were boarded up, and sandbags were piled up around the perimeter of the baseball field. A statement from recorded remotely from Memphis, Tennessee, Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp owner Ken Babby said “This is like nothing we’ve ever seen before, we pray for the best and that we have a quick recovery so we can get back to doing what we do best, bizarre rebranding of minor league teams.”

In the Sports Complex one building remained open, Intuition Ale Works.

“We’ve weathered seasons like this before, I don’t see it being much worse than 2012.” said Intuition owner Ben Davis. “You just hunker down, keep the beer flowing, and people stay happy.”
At press time, the Trump Administration was reportedly considering denying Governor Scott’s request for federal disaster aid, citing more critical situations in Cleveland and Buffalo.

​EPA Administrator-Idiot Scott Pruitt is proposing to stage debates between scientists with "legitimate differing views" on whether hurricanes actually exist and pose a threat to people.
"There are lots of questions about so-called 'hurricanes' that have not been asked and answered," Pruitt told Reuters in an interview yesterday.
"Who better to settle the question of whether hurricanes are real than a group of scientists... getting together and having a robust discussion for all the world to see," he added.
Pruitt also suggested that scientists discuss his recent proposal to mine cheese from deep inside the moon