After a meeting on Tuesday, the leaders decided that because Mary was not born in Jerusalem, her tomb shouldn’t be there. “They broke the law!”, Trump said, “when they fled to Egypt!” Netanyahu was quoted saying, “Immigration policies should be absolute.” No information on how to move her to Bethlehem has been given. Jesus could not be reached for comment.
Following Belgium's loss to France in the World Cup, citizens were appalled to learn that Donald Trump would be arriving in mere hours.
Upon the President's arrival, he was quoted saying to King Philippe, "If I were on the US team, we would have been the ones to beat you. Only I would have been able to defeat France. I'm the best at sports, you name it. Soccer, tennis, dog fights, I can beat anyone. The best. You know? Like the US. We've won the World Cup more than anyone else. We can beat anybody. It's tremendous."
CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, and newspapers across the country are purchasing and warehousing all trite, hackneyed, and timeworn “war” synonyms for headlines during the upcoming nomination process for a U.S. Supreme Court justice. “We acted quickly and successfully bought the rights to ‘armageddon,’ ‘blitzkreig,’ and ‘carnage,’” boasted Fox News CEO William Canker. “Poor CNBC,” he chuckled, “I think they got stuck with ‘scuffle’ and ‘skirmish.’” To promote coverage, CNN announced that all on-camera reporters covering the story will be wearing battle fatigues and helmets.
The Department of Justice in partnership with local police forces across the country have set up a new call center, specifically for white people to call with complaints or to report suspicious activity. Any caucasians can call this number to anonymously report suspicious activity which will be turned over to local police.
The number, which will be active today, is 800-225-2525 (800-CAL-BLAK)
Sarah Martin sent a last minute text to friends Jessica Aaron and Marie Gable saying that she would not be able to make it to brunch this morning on account of a "raging hangover" and "3 weeks worth of laundry to get done." Jessica was quoted saying, "We're really starting to worry about Sarah. She hasn't made it to brunch in almost a month." Marie added that she believed that Sarah "really needs to get her shit together and come out for a Sunday Funday."