The FBI is analyzing a flaming bag of dog doo found last night on the front doorstep at the home of recently-appointed Special Counsel Robert Mueller. Investigators also are reviewing nighttime photos of the of the scene taken by a surveillance camera, which appear to show a man fleeing. Lab tests of the bag's ashes have revealed writing on the bag: "#MAGA". Senate Democrats responded with promises of hearings on "Doo-gate."
Former child actor Jeff "Dopey" Sessions testified before Congress yesterday, denying clandestine meetings with The Wicked Queen. "It's a detestable lie," said Sessions. "She once stopped by the house to have latkes, but we didn't discuss anything about the U.S. elections." Shortly after his testimony, the now 96-year-old Wicked Queen tweeted, "#bullshit".
Scientists from the respected Max Planck Institute in Germany predict that EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt's eyes will merge within three years. "They were close together when he was first appointed," said Dr. Siegfried Ernst of the Institute, "and, by our measurements, day by day they seem to be moving even closer to each other." A White House spokesperson responded: "President Trump believes Mr. Pruitt will be the best cyclops cabinet officer in history."
In a recent Quinnipiac survey, 87% of all Americans remember Budget Director Mick Mulvaney as "that guy in my high school who was the biggest asshole." In the same survey, 13% of Americans remember Mulvaney as "that douchebag who wouldn't shut up in my college political science class." Mulvaney's office declined comment. "He's still talking," said a spokesman.
Department of Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke appointed his horse, Tonto, as Deputy Secretary. "When that horse talks, I listen," said Zinke. "He knows more that most of the egghead and pencil-neck scientists here in Washington, I reckon." As precedent, a Department spokesman cited celebrity horse Mr. Ed, who served as associate producer of the hit TV sitcom "Mr. Ed" in its final two seasons. The estate of Mr. Ed declined comment.