EPA Head Caught Eating Chalk
In a briefing by division chiefs, EPA head Scott Pruitt was seen eating chalk from a tray beneath a conference room blackboard. "We had turned away for a moment," said Morris Feeney, EPA Water Quality Division Chief, "and when we looked back, Administrator Pruitt was eating a piece of chalk." Looking chagrined, Pruitt instructed staff to continue with the briefing and asked an assistant to bring him some Fruit Roll-Ups from his desk drawer.
It seems to be a Republican epidemic!. Two cases of a rare instance of what biologists call "organ self-determination," Pat Robertson was swallowed earlier today by his own anus. "The anus appears to have made its own determination that it would no longer be upstaged by its host body," said Dr. Lou Dingle of Johns Hopkins. The former Robertson anus now appears to be seeking representation in Hollywood for the film rights to its story. Earlier this week, Awkward Silence Jax brought you the breaking news of how Donald Trump was also in a similar situation.
Library of Congress Announces Campaign to Archive All American Euphemisms for "Fart"
As part of President Trump's "America First" initiative, the Library of Congress has announced a initiative to solicit from everyday Americans all euphemisms for flatulence. "We believe part of what makes America great is its obsession with breaking wind," said Carla Hayden, Librarian of Congress. "So, whether it's baking brownies, fanny frog, or Silo McDudley, we want to hear it and preserve it." Responses, particularly from boys in middle schools across the country, have overwhelmed the Library's online intake system.
Staff at White House starting with baby steps on saving the Trump Presidency by introducing the game of Stratego
A White House staffer leaked information to Awkward Silence Jax that the best way to save the Trump presidency is to start him off slowly with understanding how international affairs work by teaching him the game of Stratego.
This particular staffer noted, " Once he has mastered the game of Stratego, we will then move to Risk, and god willing, Axis & Allies."
When asked how far they think they can get with getting Trump to understand the importance of keeping you know, fucking secrets; this anonymous, exasperated White House staffer replied ," Fuck dude, I don't know. I just spent three hours explaining the game of Connect Four to this motherfucker . He is nowhere ready for SimCity or Sid Meiers Civilization. We just have to take baby steps...baby.steps."
BREAKING NEWS: Recently unclassified FBI documents reveal Donald Trump's True Identity
This week, unclassified FBI documents pertaining to the investigation into Donald Trump's true identity have revealed that he is in fact a sentient anus. The anus in question rebelled against its host body and took over minor brain functions after being forced to endure the aftermath of too many KFC Double Down sandwiches. This study thus confirms reports that Donald Trump has been "talking out of his ass" and is "literally the biggest asshole on the planet."
Contrary to a popular belief held amongst most Americans, a team of biologists have admitted that the "fact" that people swallow 3 spiders a year in their sleep is a myth. The scientists have stated this has been a preposterous piece of misinformation, unfortunately spread over the years. In actuality, the number is closer to 3000.
Proving once and for all that no one wants to see pictures of your face while you're making horrible versions of great food in your dirty kitchen.
No one really knows the actual number of days, but based on her haircut, we'd say it's since the early 90's.