Historians ask: Did baby Jesus look like Antonin Scalia or character actor Sydney Lassick?
Johnson & Johnson releases a baby powder for black people. Dick Johnson, spokesperson for the company said that they had received complaints about how their original powder was amazing but added to the ashen look that black people complain about. "It was a truly a great moment in Negro history for us!", Dick said.
President and Sigmund Freud championship finalist Donald TRUMP, has decided to insulate himself even more with the press after his bizarre press conference. Mr. TRUMP will begin only calling on the one animal of the press corp that feels that "No gnus is good gnus", Gary Gnu.
Gary Gnu said in response," Hey, I lived through Nixon and Sid and Marty Kroft.
I can handle this one man Insane Clown Pussy."
Smuckers spokesperson, Richard Jarr, says the new line will feature labels from every film Samuel L. Jackson has said his iconic catch-phrase in. "Smuckers for Motherfu**ers", just made sense, Jarr said. Jackson sent out a tweet saying, "Smuckers for Motherf**ers is going to be sweet."
Donald Trump, in an effort to reassure Americans who are scared shitless of Michael Flynn heading the NSA, decided to named Jeffery Dean Morgan as his, quote; "new leader of all things NSA-ish!"
A source close to Mr. Morgan said that, "Mr. Morgan is flattered by the consideration.
However, Mr. President, Jeffery is playing a character on t.v. He's not really Neegan.
The actions and violence towards others that Neegan displays are not actually real."
In a shocking turn of events Charles Manson has died at the age of 83. However, it wasn't of natural causes. Just before Mr.Manson died he whispered into the ear of the high priestess of all satanic worship this quote;" I can't believe that the Government confirmed Betsy Devos to run the department of education. I mean, What the fuck? How can we have a proper educational system with such a dipshit as Secretary of Education? I'm mean, she has no experience, she's only been supportive of charter schools, and actually has been involved with pay for play. When you think about it, she only got her confirmation because she gave over 200 million dollars to the Republican Party.
This is not the way I would like to see education is country evolve. So, I'm just going to hold my breath till I die." Charles Manson was successful in holding his breath until he died. He was 83.
"I'm a humanist," says Trump EPA Transition Chair, Myron Ebell. "I love people. In fact, I just finished one, with some fava beans and a nice chianti. Th-th-th-th-th-th..."
After finding out he was being noticed more and more, the abolitionist turned over in his grave and decided to meet with Mr. Trump. Trump asked Douglass to bring Harriet Tubman with him. "I know railroads and so does she!", Trump said.