 Only 5 days into his presidency, trump has made some significant changes already. In light of his determination to thoroughly piss everyone off, the endangered species identified by the WWF have come together with a petition to disband the efforts to save them. They appear to want nothing to do with a world and future where Trump has authority and nuclear power.
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 With the impeding closure of the US borders to non natives, Mr E. Ster Bunny has advised that he will not be attempting to spread cheer this year in North America. "It just seems like too much effort and a lot of paperwork". No word yet how this announcement will effect children and candy sales.
 Phil Rouse was never blind, but when it came to matters of race, his standard answer was, "I don't see color". That was until his wife, Mona gave birth to their daughter, Philomena.
"I do see color!", he exclaimed after the birth. He has requested a paternity test. Mona couldn't be reached for comment. Noah Bennett and David Girard to play David Spade and Eddie Murphy in new thriller 'Feud'.1/24/2017
Paramount Pictures plans to release a biopic about the feud between the comedians for the summer blockbuster season. Murphy could not be reached for comment, however, Spade remarked how Murphy hated him for no reason and glad the record could be set straight.
Americans on the left and sane center begin to mock Donald Trump for bragging about how he was going to have the "biggest ,bigly, most terriffic ,grandest inaugural today, with the mostest peoplest."
Those chuckles turned to all out laughter when a photographer snapped an overhead picture of President Trump's attendance for the inauguration. It didn't take long for the internet to began to compare President Obama's crowd to that of Trumps. However, those laughs turned to chagrins of terror when close-ups of the white grandstands turned out to be something completely different.
In a recent statement, Mel B aka Scary Spice, said that she was too old to be known as scary. "Scary is for the newer generation.", she said. Pepa of Salt N Pepa fame said, "This b**ch trippin'". Mel B declined to comment on the rapper's claim. - ASJ
A spokesperson for Ringling Bros. stated that two big circuses is just too much. "We just can't compete with the incoming administration." - ASJ
Cleveland Browns plan to use their two picks in the 2017 draft to select retired NBA megastars.1/16/2017
News broke today that The Cleveland Browns have decided to use their first two picks in the first round of the 2017 NFL draft,( picks 1 and 12 ), on two retired NBA stars Kevin Garnett and Kobe Bryant.
When pressed on this Blockbuster information Cleveland Browns general manager Sashi Brown stated, "hey we've tried everything else. Uniform change, top picks, new coachs, and it hasn't worked so why not go this route?" He later added, "Kevin Garnett seems tall, right?Tall enough to throw the ball over the line anyways. Look. If it doesn't work, it doesn't matter, because nobody watches us anyway." - ASJ  A local Brown Squirrel was spotted outside an East LA porch with nuts in his mouth from another man. His wife doesn't know how long he's been going to this man's porch for nuts. Local Brown Squirrel has yet to comment. - ASJ
 What goes up must come down and little area baby Dean is on his way down! He is on Cloud Nine right now, but also wondering if his dad will come back in time to catch him. "He just threw me up and ran north as fast as he could". Best of lucky Dean. Were all rootin for ya bud. - ASJ
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