 After Donald Trump introduced an Executive order banning certain groups from entering the former greatest country in the world, ASJ News discovered a new partnership with the newly founded NHSN , a fledgling cable shopping network seen only in parts of America Trump won.
" It won't be like the arm bands of the 1920s and '30's, because those were racist. We would never do that as an Administration.", said one spokesman based on complete anonymity. He continued, "we feel these NuWave of armbands will help categorize Americans by religious order. Plus, they are more fun to wear." He concluded, " It's all based on color. Kids like color identification, these are not just plain fabric like those boring arm bands of the past .You can get the neon fabric. Americans love bright, distracting things. They will look soooooooo rad when they go on the town."
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 Neighbors were startled when a roving gang of Indian women armed with bamboo rods beat Fox News star Sean Hannity to death late yesterday as he arrived home in Oyster Bay, New York. No one knows how the women got there or what motivated them. "We're quite surprised, but not sari," said Sid Baumgartner, who lives next door to Hannity. "Get it? Not sari," he chuckled.
 In a setback for endangered animal conservation efforts, wildlife officials at the New Jersey's Cape May County Zoo confirmed that Governor Chris Christie had scavenged and devoured the carcass of a rare white rhinoceros named "Rita" who had been a longtime Zoo attraction. "Now an autopsy seems pointless," said Holly Pennywhistle, the Zoo's rhino biologist.
 NBC announced that Rudy Giuliani will host a revival of the 70's game show Tic Tac Dough. "He's no Wink Martindale," say producer Bernie Eisenstadt. "But at least he has the teeth." The former mayor of New York City more recently has been referred to in the media as "America's Schmuck."
 Donald Trump says he already has passed more laws than Isaac Newton. "Everybody talks about Newton's Laws, " says Trump. "He did something like 3 or 4 laws. I've already done dozens." Shortly thereafter, the President banned all federal agencies from publishing studies involving Newton's laws.
  This morning, Donald Trump declared that he is smarter than the Grand Canyon. "I am smarter than it, and I've done way more deals than it. I don't see what people see in it." Later in the day, Trump closed Grand Canyon National Park. "We'll see who's smarter now," a Presidential spokesman stated.
 Kelly Ann Conway made a huge splash with her alternative facts comment. Governor Scott signed a bill that would start a new curriculum for the 2018-2019 school year. Some "alternative facts" will include changing slavery to the exodus of the Egyptians, the holocaust to the invention of the tanning bed, and the Vietnam War to the liberation of Pho Shore.
 The new condom is laced with nocturnal-9, a lubricant that also removes hair but is safe for women. The company's spokesperson, Iona Pack, said that she believes that this product will be a huge success. "No one likes to go downtown unless the streets are clean!", stated Pack. "We can kill two birds with a rock. No pun intended.", she said.
 It is speculated that a decrease in sales has led Hallmark to bribe Trump into creating a new holiday. To satisfy all parties and his own vanity, President Trump has agreed to declare his inauguration as a national holiday. Hallmark has advised that cards for the National Day of Patriotic Devotion will be found in the sympathy section.
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