Today Delta Airlines began its new promotion for those passengers who lose out on a seat due to their overbooking policy.
Passengers who get kicked out of their seats will now have a choice of four colorful 10 inch dildos to take home with them once they angrily pray to find a later flight.
A Delta Airlines spokesperson cheerfully told ASJ, "Now these people don't need to come to the airport to get screwed by us. They can feel f****d by Delta Airlines in their beds, showers, or workplace bathrooms."
Foolishly aimed to intercept incoming Russian nuclear warheads, U.S. defense systems scrambled today to block aggressive surrender efforts by President Trump in Helsinki. “We’ve spent all this time and money to head off incoming Russian missiles,” said General Hardtack, Chairman of NORAD. “We’re struggling now to defend against a president inexplicably determined to hand our government processes over to Russia.” Responded President Trump’s spokesperson Sarah Huckabee-Sanders, “Why won’t NORAD turn over the server?” She later clarified that she was referring to a Pentagon cafeteria waiter who had failed to bring her an extra-large serving of french fries she had ordered at lunch.
Thanks to the new "bro" mance between Vladimir Putin (R- KGB) and Donald Trump (R- Bennidict Arnold) it appears that Apollo Creed died for absolutely nothing.
Now that Rocky IV is in the trash heap of 80's americana movies, we now only have 5 films in that genre.
Trump supporters searching for the movie series on Netflix don't have to be embarrassed when they get confused between IV or VI.
One Trump supporter said, " Thank God I only need to know I, II, III,V. That eye before V or V before eye, was gettin' to be bullshit!, long live Ivan Drago!"
Marvel Studios has done it again. In a surprise move, the studio giant, fresh off its monster opening weekend and better-than expected performing "Ant Man and the Wasp", quietly released "The Garbage".
"The Garbage" is the 21st film released and is literally about a fucking trashcan surviving bear attacks, people attacks and even includes a cameo from Iron Man.
The mid-credits scene ties it directly into the events and timeline for Infinity War.
"The Garbage" made $85 million in its opening weekend.
“When we left Washington, I told Melania to pack the Viagra, and she forgot,” said President Trump, defending his performance during the Helsinki press conference with the Vladimir Putin. “It’s a medical condition; I’m getting treatment from the greatest doctors.” At the press conference, Putin alluded to the condition when, imitating the character Babs Johnson in the movie “Animal House,” he said, “Donald, is it supposed to be this soft?”
Vice president "Nadz Von Taintstick" found praying incognito at Indiana gay conversion waiting room.
Current vice president Mike Pence AKA" Nadz Von Taint stick" had his cover blown ( no pun intended ) at an Indiana Gay Conversion clinic which used to be a Perkins.
The current vice president was donning (no pun intended )a Charlie Chaplin mustache , while holding a Jesus palm frond in front of his face while praying no one would ask him to answer questions about President Trump's:(R- Leningrad) Helsinki' s first annual "Treasons Greetings Summit." with America's Overlord of Darkness Vladimir Putin.
When "Nadz" finally came clean he stated, "Hey, the president blamed both sides at Charlottesville and everything turned out a-ok. Why not try it again? Right?"
Christian savior and misinterpreted prophet Jesus of Nazareth had his 1986 year Streak of beating the devil in temptation bets snapped today.
How did this happen? Well, the devil finally found a way to get Jesus to hate humanity; by daring him to try and shop at Costco on a Saturday afternoon without losing his shit.
Afterwards during Jesus' post game interview , he explained his loss:
" Man. I thought it be easy. Just a simple stroll down aisles with a cart all the while keeping my calm, and not getting upset at all the slow ass patrons. But, Me-Damnit, there are some clueless, unaware assholes on this planet! Why do humans always stop in the middle of a fucking aisle and just stare?! Well, all good streaks must come to an end I suppose."
The devil could not be available for comment. He was on his way to help the president bend over for Putin.
A local Jacksonville man filed bankruptcy today after spending $51,250 on Facebook birthday charity fundraisers over the course of a year. "I wanted my friends to think I was a very generous guy, and that I was doing well financially." He explained. "I would see my friends thanking everyone who donated, and I wanted to be thanked too, I didn't want them thinking I didn't care about them, or worse, that I didn't care if inner-city kids could read, or if babies got cancer." The man decided he would donate $50 to each of his 1,025 Facebook friends' birthday charity fundraisers. "I guess I didn't realize how much money that would end up being," he says, "but I didn't want to be the loser that only donates a few dollars. I make about $60,000 a year, which isn't bad, but with all the donations I quickly got behind on my bills, I lost my house, my car, and I had to hock my entire collection of rare Magic The Gathering cards just to buy some ramen noodles." He went on to explain that he looks forward to a fresh start, and will make better decisions in the future. When asked what she thinks about the fact that he won't be donating this upcoming year, his long-time Facebook friend Tiffany said, "The charity means a lot to me, and it makes me feel like he's cheap, and doesn't care about me."
After a meeting on Tuesday, the leaders decided that because Mary was not born in Jerusalem, her tomb shouldn’t be there. “They broke the law!”, Trump said, “when they fled to Egypt!” Netanyahu was quoted saying, “Immigration policies should be absolute.” No information on how to move her to Bethlehem has been given. Jesus could not be reached for comment.
Following Belgium's loss to France in the World Cup, citizens were appalled to learn that Donald Trump would be arriving in mere hours.
Upon the President's arrival, he was quoted saying to King Philippe, "If I were on the US team, we would have been the ones to beat you. Only I would have been able to defeat France. I'm the best at sports, you name it. Soccer, tennis, dog fights, I can beat anyone. The best. You know? Like the US. We've won the World Cup more than anyone else. We can beat anybody. It's tremendous."