“He used to post something multiple times a day,” said Ruth Pinholster of Breckinridge, Ohio. “Now we go days without seeing anything at all on Facebook or Twitter.” Reached at home, Bart Pinholster, 29, said, off the record, “My parents think I was working all weekend. Actually, I flew to Munich for Oktoberfest, where I met two frauleins, Heidi and Helga. I tried to take selfies with them, but those can’t be posted, and, anyway, all you could see was the back of my head.” Unaware, his parents believe he may be “working too hard.” Said Mrs. Pinholster, “We just hope he comes up for air.”
A major point of contention between republicans (R-Men) and the federal prosecutor they hired was put out in the open today during the hearing of Brett Kavanaugh during his Supreme Court hearing.
Senator Lindsay Graham (R- in the closet) challenged female Federal prosecutor Mitchell and her line of questioning concerning Brett Kavanaugh's college years.
Federal prosecutor Mitchell pulled out what Republicans consider their "ace in the hole", when it comes to the optics of one of their own: an entitlement doll.
Just as Federal Prosecutor Mitchell was about to ask Brett Kavanaugh;"where on the entitlement doll did Dr. Ford hurt him ?" Sen Graham,(R- Blue Oyster club) destroyed their own protocol by stating," let's get one thing straight Lady, it's not a doll ,it's an action figure! ."
Many female aides could be seen putting their heads in their hands and sighing deeply.
After consulting with medical experts, the GOP has confirmed through a spokesperson that emotional outbursts at yesterday’s hearing by Republican members of the Senate Judiciary Committee are attributable to a rare biological phenomenon: menstrual cycle synchrony. “These hard-working Senators have spent so much time with each other,” said the spokesperson, “that their menstrual cycles have synchronized, and that made them all very emotional right now.” Nevertheless, today’s scheduled committee vote will take place. “Last night, they all shared a bottle of Chardonnay, a hot bath, and pedicures. They’re much better today,” assured the spokesperson.
Late this afternoon, Senator Lindsey Graham angrily screamed his outrage at the level of hyperbole in the October 27 Blasey/Kavanaugh hearing. “Never in the 3.5 billion years of life on earth,” bellowed the red-faced Graham, “have elected officials used such absurd hyperbole.” As Senate staffers alerted medics who were on-call for certain histrionics, the spitting but blow-dried Graham said, “All of you who are guilty of over-stating matters here today will endure the white-hot, flesh-searing flames of hell for everlasting eternity!” In an effective act of one-upmanship, Judge Brett Kavanaugh responded by tearing his own nose off and throwing it at Senator Dianne Feinstein.
Today, President Trump instructed FEMA to drop thousands of death certification forms over North and South Carolina allowing dead people to certify that they died from the storm’s effects. “All a dead person needs to do is complete this form, have it notarized, and take it to the local FEMA office,” said Trump spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “It will enable us to get real numbers of actual dead people, not Democrat-inflated numbers of fake dead people.” As FEMA workers mobilize to collect the completed forms, local officials instructed notaries to keep their seals and stamps with them at all times as they evacuate or await rescue, in the event they are contacted by a dead person.
President Donald Trump tweeted that Francisco Franco is “still not dead” and that the Democrats have “inflated his deadness.” A spokesman for the former Spanish dictator’s family responded that, so far as the family knows, Franco hasn’t moved or spoken for decades but could simply be simply “laying low.” Trump simultaneously announced a new summit meeting with Franco in November.
Angry at lucrative jobs and contracts given by President Trump to others, canaries are said to be pursuing a plea deal with Special Counsel Robert Mueller. “We know a lot,” said one of the yellow-plumed birds. “We spent years sitting in cages at Mar-a-Lago. We’ve seen it all.” Trump attorney Rudy Guiliani denied any concerns on the President’s part. “They’ve all signed confidentiality agreements,” said Guiliani. “They’d better lawyer up!”
There is a new vegan dating website on the market! Vegans of the World, or "VOW" urges people to "Eat Locally and Date Globally." It touts two main objectives: preservation of maritime life forms, and facilitation of long-lasting, cross-cultural romances. VOW hit the ground running this past June with the cogent slogan: "There are actually not plenty of fish in the sea."
The lighting of the I-4 Eyesore has caused quite a stir in the hearts of many Floridians. As of this morning, gym memberships are up, people are quitting their jobs, and fertility clinics have lines out the doors.
Last night while driving by the I-4 Eyesore, Carol Brumsford was struck by the sudden lighting of the building. Once she arrived home, she knew what she had to do. "I just felt that if the Eyesore can light up the night, so can I," and she immediately signed up for ballroom dance lessons . "It's just something I always wanted to do, and I thought now's the time."
Many are citing the lighting of the Eyesore as the catalyst for their making life changing decisions. Ms. Brumsford concluded, "I just feel like anything can happen, anything is possible. The Eyesore showed me that."