Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced today that with the full support of Vice President Mike Pence, the administration would be expanding their extremely successful no tolerance policy to all 76 banned acts in Leviticus. It will also include Jaywalking.
Pence, who has famously said on multiple occasions, "I'm a Christian, a conservative, and a Republican, in that order." called this a progressive turn toward "very old school government".
When asked about some inconsistency with current policies versus some of the banned acts in Leviticus, the reporter was taken into a holding cell and has not been heard from again.
Supreme Dictator Trump could not be reached for immediate comment.
After an exciting first season as Jacksonville, Florida's newest minor league sports team, the Jacksonville Icemen have decided to change their name in order to separate themselves from the Trump administration's controversial U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency- or ICE. "Coming into our sophomore season, which can be a challenging time for any new minor league sports team, you have to do whatever it takes in order to keep your new fans coming back for more," said Danny Gendzier, Sr Director of Marketing for the newly dubbed Jacksonville Nicemen. "With all that's going on in the media today, we can't have our brand associated with kids in cages."
A new logo change will also take effect during their 2018-2019 season. Said Danny, "It didn't take us a long time to decide who the new face of the Jacksonville Nicemen should be. I can't think of a more wholesome person than Mr. Hanks to represent our city."
New study finds that 45% of Americans have checked out of politics and instead devote social media hours solely to the pursuit of kitten videos. "I just can't take another moment of worrying about the state of our citizens or the possibility nuclear war," says Megan Warren of Jacksonville, FL, "Instead, I prefer to drown out all feeling toward humanity by constantly filling my waking hours with kitten videos." The World Health Organization has taken interest in this new phenomenon and are currently assessing whether kitten addiction can be considered an epidemic. As of now, the only known cure is puppy videos.
After announcing that he would direct the Pentagon to establish a sixth branch of the armed forces dedicated to protecting American interests in outer space, Donald and Melania Trump modeled the new uniforms for the Space Force. Inspired by what Trump called, "The greatest movie of all time," Plan 9 From Outer Space. The uniforms are made of cheap polyester from the dollar bin at JoAnn Fabrics. The boots, and other uniform accessories will be commissioned by Spirit Halloween stores. ASJ reached out to several experts in space travel to confirm whether or not these uniforms would be safe for the armed forces; experts confirmed that this is the best possible option for the uniforms because, "It's not like anyone is really taking this seriously."
In a shocking study 55% of all farmers in the United States who voted for Trump in 2016 agreed that the organic farming of Guatemalans is just too much to bear on their morality.
Local farmer and Trump supporter Jesup VonFukface responded by saying, "Now look libtards, its bad enough to deal with the expenses of cage free eggs, but now you want cage free Guatemalans? What about my pocketbook? It's expensive to have minorities who are escaping a violent country to come in and just start picking my avocados and trying to have some semblance of a life. But thank God I have the good book to keep me grounded.
By the way, have you heard the chapter and verse of Matthew 13? It's powerful stuff."
As the battle of tariff escalates, Prime Minister Trudeau in a landmark decision has announced that Canada will begin imposing significant tariff's on the phrase "eh".
"We are tired of US citizens using our National language as an audible pause. This is cultural appropriation at its most grotesque and I plan to put a stop to it, eh". Trudeau continued, "Sorry, not sorry".
This unprecedented move is expected to hit the northern US the hardest.
Jaron Wallace, from Neenah, WI said, "We'll figure it out, don'cha'know".
President Trump could not be reached for comment.
“I’m not just ‘slow’ or ‘special,’” said Carlson. “Gosh darn it, I’m America’s Biggest Retard!” As he watched with characteristic open mouth, America’s grandmothers responded: “Oh, bless his heart.”
As it often does, Congress exempted its members from the effects of recent legislation—this time, from the current revival of “abstention only” sex education programs for teens. “When I heard that teenagers were being told to abstain, I thought, ‘Whoa!’” said Congressman William Kreiper (R-Arizona). “This heavy-handed program would make it darn near impossible for me to stay in close touch with teen constituents and campaign at shopping malls in my district after dark.” As amended, legislation will fund programs teaching teens to abstain from sex with persons “unless said persons are serving in Congress.”
Apparently in search of grubs and other wood-boring insects, a woodpecker yesterday attacked Vice-President Mike Pence. “The bird apparently believed the Vice-President was a tree, probably a resinous softwood,” said Finley Peabody of the Cornell Lab of Ornithology. The bird was captured by the Secret Service and is being held for questioning. Following treatment for a previously undiagnosed infestation of pine beetles, Vice-President Pence is said to be resting comfortably.
This afternoon, President Donald Trump signed legislation authorizing sexual misconduct by male federal elected and appointed officials. “Sometimes, we need to show them our Johnson,” joked the President, referring to Congressman Stan Johnson (R, Wisconsin, 8th District), who attended the public bill signing. Although all female House and Senate members had voted “nay,” their votes were recorded as “aye.” “We believed we were pursuing shared feelings,” chuckled Senator Joe “The Ripper” McLain (R, N. Dakota), presiding from the Senate dais. At the request of Interior Secretary Zinke, a last-minute amendment permitting horse-groping was inserted. “I didn’t hear a neigh on that one,” chortled Congressman Hoss Weston (D, Montana, 17th District).