Tight End Jake Butt made NFL history as a rookie, becoming the most appropriately named football player of all time.
The rookie can 100% look forward to a career as the butt end of most locker room banter. Good luck, Butt.
Trump reverses himself on his own healthcare bill after realizing that HE is a cancer on the presidency .
In another shift of positions, Donald Trump has decided that he is changing his mind...again, on pre-existing conditions. Sources believe that Trump had an epiphany on his vital piece of legislation after looking in one of the hundreds of mirrors in his bedroom, and realizing that he's actually a cancer on the presidency.
Communications director Sean Spicer was seen eating poison oak, while hiding from the Washington press corps, hoping to die before having to explain this to the American masses.
Trump was seen filling out an application for the Make a Wish Foundation after his latest decision.
He was quoted as saying :" I am the best cancer this country has ever seen. Melanoma is not up to my bestness. Melanoma is a showboat."
"As best as we can tell," said AMA President Dr. Phil Blitzstein, "President Trump is some form of fungus, in the same genetic family as jock itch. To rid our country of him, our panel of renowned physicians recommends applying Tough Actin' Tinactin to America's groins daily after bathing."
A recent study demonstrated that strippers who completely shave away their pubic hair get bigger tips than strippers who leave some fluff. Dr. Elmer Fudd of the Institute for the Betterment of Women explained that this information can be very important for women seeking larger paychecks. He explained that many patrons of strip clubs tend to flock toward hairless women and perhaps choosing to remove pubic hair can lead to an increase in pay for strippers. In an interview with a patron who chose to remain anonymous, it was revealed that he really enjoyed “the smooth look of a shaved p*ssy. It’s just more natural, more pure. Almost childlike.”