Today, President Trump instructed FEMA to drop thousands of death certification forms over North and South Carolina allowing dead people to certify that they died from the storm’s effects. “All a dead person needs to do is complete this form, have it notarized, and take it to the local FEMA office,” said Trump spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “It will enable us to get real numbers of actual dead people, not Democrat-inflated numbers of fake dead people.” As FEMA workers mobilize to collect the completed forms, local officials instructed notaries to keep their seals and stamps with them at all times as they evacuate or await rescue, in the event they are contacted by a dead person.
President Donald Trump tweeted that Francisco Franco is “still not dead” and that the Democrats have “inflated his deadness.” A spokesman for the former Spanish dictator’s family responded that, so far as the family knows, Franco hasn’t moved or spoken for decades but could simply be simply “laying low.” Trump simultaneously announced a new summit meeting with Franco in November.
Angry at lucrative jobs and contracts given by President Trump to others, canaries are said to be pursuing a plea deal with Special Counsel Robert Mueller. “We know a lot,” said one of the yellow-plumed birds. “We spent years sitting in cages at Mar-a-Lago. We’ve seen it all.” Trump attorney Rudy Guiliani denied any concerns on the President’s part. “They’ve all signed confidentiality agreements,” said Guiliani. “They’d better lawyer up!”
There is a new vegan dating website on the market! Vegans of the World, or "VOW" urges people to "Eat Locally and Date Globally." It touts two main objectives: preservation of maritime life forms, and facilitation of long-lasting, cross-cultural romances. VOW hit the ground running this past June with the cogent slogan: "There are actually not plenty of fish in the sea."
The lighting of the I-4 Eyesore has caused quite a stir in the hearts of many Floridians. As of this morning, gym memberships are up, people are quitting their jobs, and fertility clinics have lines out the doors.
Last night while driving by the I-4 Eyesore, Carol Brumsford was struck by the sudden lighting of the building. Once she arrived home, she knew what she had to do. "I just felt that if the Eyesore can light up the night, so can I," and she immediately signed up for ballroom dance lessons . "It's just something I always wanted to do, and I thought now's the time."
Many are citing the lighting of the Eyesore as the catalyst for their making life changing decisions. Ms. Brumsford concluded, "I just feel like anything can happen, anything is possible. The Eyesore showed me that."
Today Delta Airlines began its new promotion for those passengers who lose out on a seat due to their overbooking policy.
Passengers who get kicked out of their seats will now have a choice of four colorful 10 inch dildos to take home with them once they angrily pray to find a later flight.
A Delta Airlines spokesperson cheerfully told ASJ, "Now these people don't need to come to the airport to get screwed by us. They can feel f****d by Delta Airlines in their beds, showers, or workplace bathrooms."
Foolishly aimed to intercept incoming Russian nuclear warheads, U.S. defense systems scrambled today to block aggressive surrender efforts by President Trump in Helsinki. “We’ve spent all this time and money to head off incoming Russian missiles,” said General Hardtack, Chairman of NORAD. “We’re struggling now to defend against a president inexplicably determined to hand our government processes over to Russia.” Responded President Trump’s spokesperson Sarah Huckabee-Sanders, “Why won’t NORAD turn over the server?” She later clarified that she was referring to a Pentagon cafeteria waiter who had failed to bring her an extra-large serving of french fries she had ordered at lunch.
Thanks to the new "bro" mance between Vladimir Putin (R- KGB) and Donald Trump (R- Bennidict Arnold) it appears that Apollo Creed died for absolutely nothing.
Now that Rocky IV is in the trash heap of 80's americana movies, we now only have 5 films in that genre.
Trump supporters searching for the movie series on Netflix don't have to be embarrassed when they get confused between IV or VI.
One Trump supporter said, " Thank God I only need to know I, II, III,V. That eye before V or V before eye, was gettin' to be bullshit!, long live Ivan Drago!"
Marvel Studios has done it again. In a surprise move, the studio giant, fresh off its monster opening weekend and better-than expected performing "Ant Man and the Wasp", quietly released "The Garbage".
"The Garbage" is the 21st film released and is literally about a fucking trashcan surviving bear attacks, people attacks and even includes a cameo from Iron Man.
The mid-credits scene ties it directly into the events and timeline for Infinity War.
"The Garbage" made $85 million in its opening weekend.