The FBI is analyzing a flaming bag of dog doo found last night on the front doorstep at the home of recently-appointed Special Counsel Robert Mueller. Investigators also are reviewing nighttime photos of the of the scene taken by a surveillance camera, which appear to show a man fleeing. Lab tests of the bag's ashes have revealed writing on the bag: "#MAGA". Senate Democrats responded with promises of hearings on "Doo-gate."
Former child actor Jeff "Dopey" Sessions testified before Congress yesterday, denying clandestine meetings with The Wicked Queen. "It's a detestable lie," said Sessions. "She once stopped by the house to have latkes, but we didn't discuss anything about the U.S. elections." Shortly after his testimony, the now 96-year-old Wicked Queen tweeted, "#bullshit".
Scientists from the respected Max Planck Institute in Germany predict that EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt's eyes will merge within three years. "They were close together when he was first appointed," said Dr. Siegfried Ernst of the Institute, "and, by our measurements, day by day they seem to be moving even closer to each other." A White House spokesperson responded: "President Trump believes Mr. Pruitt will be the best cyclops cabinet officer in history."
In a recent Quinnipiac survey, 87% of all Americans remember Budget Director Mick Mulvaney as "that guy in my high school who was the biggest asshole." In the same survey, 13% of Americans remember Mulvaney as "that douchebag who wouldn't shut up in my college political science class." Mulvaney's office declined comment. "He's still talking," said a spokesman.
Department of Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke appointed his horse, Tonto, as Deputy Secretary. "When that horse talks, I listen," said Zinke. "He knows more that most of the egghead and pencil-neck scientists here in Washington, I reckon." As precedent, a Department spokesman cited celebrity horse Mr. Ed, who served as associate producer of the hit TV sitcom "Mr. Ed" in its final two seasons. The estate of Mr. Ed declined comment.
In a briefing by division chiefs, EPA head Scott Pruitt was seen eating chalk from a tray beneath a conference room blackboard. "We had turned away for a moment," said Morris Feeney, EPA Water Quality Division Chief, "and when we looked back, Administrator Pruitt was eating a piece of chalk." Looking chagrined, Pruitt instructed staff to continue with the briefing and asked an assistant to bring him some Fruit Roll-Ups from his desk drawer.
It seems to be a Republican epidemic!. Two cases of a rare instance of what biologists call "organ self-determination," Pat Robertson was swallowed earlier today by his own anus. "The anus appears to have made its own determination that it would no longer be upstaged by its host body," said Dr. Lou Dingle of Johns Hopkins. The former Robertson anus now appears to be seeking representation in Hollywood for the film rights to its story. Earlier this week, Awkward Silence Jax brought you the breaking news of how Donald Trump was also in a similar situation.
As part of President Trump's "America First" initiative, the Library of Congress has announced a initiative to solicit from everyday Americans all euphemisms for flatulence. "We believe part of what makes America great is its obsession with breaking wind," said Carla Hayden, Librarian of Congress. "So, whether it's baking brownies, fanny frog, or Silo McDudley, we want to hear it and preserve it." Responses, particularly from boys in middle schools across the country, have overwhelmed the Library's online intake system.
Staff at White House starting with baby steps on saving the Trump Presidency by introducing the game of Stratego
A White House staffer leaked information to Awkward Silence Jax that the best way to save the Trump presidency is to start him off slowly with understanding how international affairs work by teaching him the game of Stratego.
This particular staffer noted, " Once he has mastered the game of Stratego, we will then move to Risk, and god willing, Axis & Allies."
When asked how far they think they can get with getting Trump to understand the importance of keeping you know, fucking secrets; this anonymous, exasperated White House staffer replied ," Fuck dude, I don't know. I just spent three hours explaining the game of Connect Four to this motherfucker . He is nowhere ready for SimCity or Sid Meiers Civilization. We just have to take baby steps...baby.steps."
This week, unclassified FBI documents pertaining to the investigation into Donald Trump's true identity have revealed that he is in fact a sentient anus. The anus in question rebelled against its host body and took over minor brain functions after being forced to endure the aftermath of too many KFC Double Down sandwiches. This study thus confirms reports that Donald Trump has been "talking out of his ass" and is "literally the biggest asshole on the planet."