Today Health and Human Services secretary Tom Price begged Donald Trump,( R- dotard 45) for one more spin at the taxpayers expense on a private airplane.
An Advisor close to Mr. Price explained that Tom knew that his days were numbered and wanted to just have one more experience on a plane paid for by the American people, before figuring out how he was going to make his living again by being the troll underneath the bridge in the fairy tale Three Billy Goats Gruff.
A terrified Tom Price was heard whispering to a friend 'these goddamn goats are going to try to eat my eyebrows. They've always looked like caterpillars on top of a wilted grape. Won't anyone have pit on me?.'
EPA secretary Scott Pruitt has pitched a new infrastructure model based on Snowpiercer, to the Trump administration that he hopes hits all the right marks in tackling infrastructure, climate change, and movies and tv for facts.
EPA Secretary Scott Pruitt was heard saying, "hey, we can not only organize people by class with this idea ,but also deal with the new infrastructure of climate change. Not to mention the train industry at the same time...Who doesn't love the train industry? It's a win/win for America. "
Hey kids! Guess which one of these pictures is President Trump's pick for the new chief scientist at the U.S. Department of Agriculture! Hint: He's not a scientist; he's a conservative talk show host! His most famous quote is about climate change: "I have looked at the science, and I have enough of a science background to know when I'm being boofed." (Hey kids, "boofed" isn't a science word and is really kind of a nasty word, so don't use it!) If you guessed the picture in the upper right corner, you're right!!!
STATE, LOCAL OFFICIALS DECLARE STATE OF EMERGENCY AROUND EVERBANK FIELD AHEAD OF JAGUARS 2017 SEASON
At a press conference early this morning, Florida Governor Rick Scott and Jacksonville Mayor Lenny Curry held a rare joint press conference to declare a state of emergency around EverBank Field in Jacksonville in response to fears surrounding the impending Jaguar’s 2017 season.
“Let me be clear, this is nothing like residents of Jacksonville have ever seen before.” Governor Scott declared in a somber tone. “I encourage you, please, get out of the stadium. There is no other option at this point.”
“If you decide to stay, (Jaguar’s General Manager) Tom Coughlin will not come to rescue you.” Mayor Curry warned. “All personnel within two miles of EverBank Field are hereby under mandatory evacuation.”
In the area near the impact zone, an ominous mood abounded. The Jacksonville Sports Tavern, Veteran’s Memorial Arena, and the Baseball Grounds of Jacksonville were all entirely closed, windows were boarded up, and sandbags were piled up around the perimeter of the baseball field. A statement from recorded remotely from Memphis, Tennessee, Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp owner Ken Babby said “This is like nothing we’ve ever seen before, we pray for the best and that we have a quick recovery so we can get back to doing what we do best, bizarre rebranding of minor league teams.”
In the Sports Complex one building remained open, Intuition Ale Works.
“We’ve weathered seasons like this before, I don’t see it being much worse than 2012.” said Intuition owner Ben Davis. “You just hunker down, keep the beer flowing, and people stay happy.”
At press time, the Trump Administration was reportedly considering denying Governor Scott’s request for federal disaster aid, citing more critical situations in Cleveland and Buffalo.
EPA Administrator-Idiot Scott Pruitt is proposing to stage debates between scientists with "legitimate differing views" on whether hurricanes actually exist and pose a threat to people.
"There are lots of questions about so-called 'hurricanes' that have not been asked and answered," Pruitt told Reuters in an interview yesterday.
"Who better to settle the question of whether hurricanes are real than a group of scientists... getting together and having a robust discussion for all the world to see," he added.
Pruitt also suggested that scientists discuss his recent proposal to mine cheese from deep inside the moon
Russian avant-garde film director Jason Sukmeov has just announced the long awaited sequel to the Tom Hanks /Meg Ryan vehicle, You've Got Mail.
Sukmeov is in the works writing his sequel You've Got Mail 2 Russian Font Boogaloo.
"I chose Trump Jr for this part not just because he will soon need a country to hide in to avoid prosecution, but Donald Trump jr. just makes sense to our russian citizens." Sukmeov continued, "DTJ2 is on the verge of being our version of Germany's version of David Hasselhoff. DTJ2 will be my thespian. Donald Trump jr. Will be my Baryshnikov and I need someone to be able to pull off the Romantic twist to my movie."
When asked who is playing Reg Ryan's role, Sukmeov's shoulders slumped and said," Edward Snowden in a wig... these sanctions suck. I can't afford outside talent. So we do what we can do,okay?!"
You've Got Mail two Russian Font Boogaloo plans to open in 2018.
At the conclusion of this year's Conference of the Consortium of International Scientists at The Hague, Netherlands, Consortium President Hans Kleb announced: "It is the unanimous opinion of scientists at this year's conference that the polar ice caps and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell's face are melting at unprecedented rates." He added, "At this rate, within three years, coastal cities will be flooded and Senator McConnell will look like the bad guy in 'Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade' who drank from from the wrong grail."
Mickey Goldmill Appointed Administrator of Republican Health Care System
Secretary of Health and Human Services Tom Price has named Mickey Goldmill, Rocky's trainer, as Administrator of the Better Care Reconciliation Act soon to be adopted by Senate Republicans. Brought out of retirement once again, the 103-year-old athletic trainer tweeted to Americans, "You're gonna eat lightning. You're gonna crap thunder.#getupyousonofabitch"